♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
The Cleveland Show 02x01 Harder, Better, Faster, Browner Original Air Date on September 26, 2010
Kobe's got the ball.
He's really having his way with his opponents.
He is gonna take it right at the hole
whether they like it or not.
He sneaks to the back,
sees an opening,
and forces it in!
Oh, my face!
What you got? You ain't got nothing. Ow, that hurts!
Can't guard me. Mr. Brown, please stop!
I could do this all day, son. You're much bigger than me!
Boom!
Mm-hmm, still got it.
Feels like I'm back in my basketball camp days,
running a three-man wave,
making reliable but not flashy two-handed chest passes,
shootin' free throws underhand,
bringing out the ladder to get the ball outta the peach basket,
throwin' it down on skinny little Barry Obama's head.
Punk-ass Barry.
Wait. Cleveland, did you just say Barry Obama?
That was his name. Goofy, big-eared kid.
13 years old, smoked like a chimney.
Barry Obama. Probably sleepin' in a ditch somewhere.
We got any lemonade?
Cleveland, Barry Obama is the President of the United States.
No. Barack Obama is the President.
"Barry" Obama is Barack Obama.
That kid Barry is now the President.
Barry Hussein Obama is?
Mm-hmm.
This is-- well, that-- it can't be.
I need to sit down.
Cleveland, it's not that bad.
Not that bad? Easy for you to say.
You're a woman. You can't be President.
That's true.
But Barry and I are almost the same age.
And yet some would say he's accomplished much more than me.
Oh, Donna, what have I done with my life?
You've done plenty!
You raised Cleveland Jr. pretty much all by yourself.
And I'll always be your first lady.
Not to brag, but you're more like my sixth lady.
Hey, Rallo, may I have your snack pack?
I saw Donna put it in there.
No, you can't have my snack pack!
Hmm. Well, I guess this is God's way of keeping me skinny.
Bye, Daddy!
Touch the sky, baby!
Locally famous rapper Kenny West?
What are you doing here?
I'm just trying to get my daughter a decent education.
So she doesn't grow up to be in one of my videos.
Huh? Oh!
Where's Kandace's mom?
I want to talk to her now.
She's gone for six months,
doing Bret Michael's Rock of Love Bus.
Congratulations!
Hey, you should bring Kandace over for a playdate.
Hmm. That's actually not a bad idea.
I got a gig this afternoon anyway.
I'll treat her like she's one of my own.
And I mean my own, not one of my stepkids.
Sometimes I forget to feed them.
Man, I am starving!
I feel like I haven't eaten in days!
That's prolly why you look so fly, Ro.
My girl is mad 'rexy.
No! Bad! Bad!
My man.
Thanks again for watching Kandace, Cleveland.
I wish more grown men I barely knew would offer
to look after my four-year-old daughter for a few hours.
No problem.
I'd like to see Barack Obama look after two kids.
But he's probably too busy dealing with
"Afghanistan," and "cleaning up the Gulf,"
and his "two kids."
Anyway, bye, sweetie.
Rollo, you got a playdate!
Damn.
I thought we'd never meet again.
So, you want to watch a Star Wars movie?
I'm ready for anything; I'm a straight-up freak.
I love you.
ANIMATRONIC VANILLA ICE: Ahh! Ahh!
You sure this is where your dad's performing?
♪ We got nachos with attitude and onion blings ♪
♪ We got Drive-By Salad If you're dieting ♪
This is funky fresh.
♪ Shut up, bitch, we ain't finished ♪
Oh, you.
Tell 'em the dessert special, yo.
♪ Fight the flour, fight the flour ♪ ♪ Ugn ♪
♪ You gotta bite the flourless cake ♪
♪ What he say! ♪
What are you doing here?
I told you I'd pick Kandace up.
Oh, yeah. That must be why
I have this string tied around my finger
Say, how 'bout Kandace and Rollo
have another playdate tomorrow?
Any chance you can watch them at your place
since apparently I plain old forgot to go to work today?
It's just not a good time.
Oh, cool, a Pop-a-Cop machine!
These are great!
Why did I buy these?
What the...?
Kenny! You-- you're homeless!
Shh, man! Not in front of my kid.
I told her that cars were houses and houses were cars,
so she just thinks we're carless.
That's it. I'm finding you a place to live.
Something Barack Obama apparently
hasn't been able to do.
Actually, his Cash for Clunkers program helped me buy--
Do you want my help or not?
Remember when I was upset
that I hadn't accomplished as much as the President?
Well, guess who's helping a young family get off the street!
Cleveland, what are you talking about?
Here they are.
From the parking lot next to the old muffler shop,
soon to be living in our garage,
Kenny and Kandace West!
Awesome!
Oops. Wrong show.
I got a whole mess of snack packs out in my minivan.
Donna, don't worry.
Kenny won't be here long.
Today I'm going to take him down to Waterman Cable
and get him a real job.
Not like whatever it is you do at the hospital.
I work at the school.
Yep.
Hey, Cleve. Hey, Ms. Tubbs.
I got you a little thank-you gift
for letting me and Kandace crash at your place.
Oh, my God.
Tyler Perry Presents WINE.
They say it's rich and super-fruity
and not complex at all.
Kenny! You shouldn't have.
How could you afford it?
I sold all my recording equipment.
I mean, I don't need it anymore.
As Cleveland told me,
cable installers are today's rap stars.
See, dum-dum?
Come on, Kenny. Let's go to the hospital.
Cable company.
Yeah.
Oh, I am running away from some problems tonight.
Love you.
Love you more.
That's impossible.
Can it be?
Has Rallo Tubbs finally found the one?
Gentlemen, there comes a time in every man's life
when he needs to grow up and settle down.
I'm not five anymore.
I'm five-and-a-half.
I would kill to be five-and-a-half again.
I'm just so tired all the time.
Well, look who it is.
Who is that?
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Kenny,
a kid off the streets
who I've been teaching everything I know.
It's "whom," not "who."
I hope you're not teaching him grammar.
Oh! Damn. You got whomed!
Kenny West.
Caught you at the county fair.
Yeah, I listen to rap.
Got a De La Soul CD in my car.
Do a little beatboxing.
You probably don't want to hear it.
Unless you do. You probably do.
I'm really not glad I heard that.
Oh, Kenny, you're turrible.
No, you're turrible.
We're both turrible.
Nice playing, Arthur Ass.
So we got a wonderful plan for tomorrow.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe we could go to the merry-go-round.
Ignore him.
We're going to the library.
Oh, the library!
You'll love that, Walt.
It's free.
So, what do you think?
I think there's no greater sign of maturity
than the mustache.
Yep!
It shows the world you put away your childish dreams
and said to yourself,
"Self, this is it for you.
"You are going no farther than this."
Well, I don't know about that.
Each mustache has its own story.
Have you ever eaten a cheesesteak with a mustache?
Here, take my second one. Whoops!
Don't worry about it.
Just grab a shirt out of my closet.
We adults can change clothes whenever we want.
And ride our bikes in the street!
Cleveland, what have you done to that poor boy?
Filled him full of awesome.
You're turning him into you!
And Cleveland, I love you,
and I mean this in the best possible way,
but any 19-year-old who has your life
should kill himself.
Donna, you're overreacting.
I'm not trying to turn Kenny into me,
Hey, thanks for the shirt, Cleveland.
You showed me the way.
All those years wasted on some stupid dream
of being a rap star.
I just want to thank you
for taking the music out of my life.
Both literally and metaphorically.
Kenny, I've made a mistake.
I've encouraged you to abandon your dreams.
This life is not your destiny.
Good, honest work is for the downtrodden and the Polish.
Aw, come on, man.
My music wasn't going anywhere.
That's because you didn't have anyone to believe in you.
Or should I say, "Be-Cleve" in you.
Registered trademark.
Feel like writing a hit song?
My stuff!
I appreciate it, Cleveland,
but I don't know if I can do it.
I been out of the game for six days!
Little Wayne's dropped 30 mix tapes since then.
You can do it, Kenny, because I'm gonna help you.
We're not gonna sleep until
we've written a hit hip-hop single.
♪ ♪
Done.
Wow, I can't believe you wrote
an entire hit song in 15 seconds!
And I still can't believe Beyoncé didn't win.
Kenny.
Donna, wake up!
The house is on fire!
Rallo's dead!
What?!
Oh, my God, no!
My baby! My baby!
Ha, ha, ha. Just kidding.
But now that I have your attention,
you should know that Kenny and I have recorded a hit song,
and now I'm going to help him make it big in the music biz,
so we're going on tour and you're going to stay here
and watch his and our children.
We cool?
Fine.
If this is what you need to get you past
your whole midlife crisis Barack Obama thing, then go.
Damn it, Donna!
You can't stop me!
I am leaving with Kenny West to be a rap-guy manager.
It's my new lifelong dream!
Cleveland, look at me.
I don't care.
If you can get the time off work, then go.
Aw, work.
I keep forgetting to go to that.
Well, it's been four days and you're still not famous.
I don't get it.
We tried having a rap battle like in 8 Mile.
We tried getting you addicted to drugs like Walk The Line.
There's one movie we haven't tried.
We haven't tried Ray.
Let me at 'em! What are you doing?
You need to be blind! Get the hell away from me!
Do you want to be famous or not?! Stop that!
Oh, what's the use?
This won't work.
It's hopeless.
All we need is one break.
TV ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program with a Dwayne Meighan News Flash.
Hi, I'm Dwayne Meighan.
News flash.
It had been in Goochland County.
Apparently, somebody a person had been playing around
or standing too close with a well.
A news flash indicate it was a small girl.
Maybe perhaps playing with her doll
or maybe wanted to see down her reflection on well.
Uh-oh, fell in.
This had had been the news.
There's a girl trapped in the well!
You know what that means!
Benefit concert! Funeral concert!
Well, one or the other.
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,
first a little housekeeping.
Uh, for the time being, please stop urinating down the well.
Thank you.
Second, these two guys showed up and insisted on singing.
So, uh, put your hands together
for Kenny West featuring Cleveland Brown.
I know what it's like to feel down, little girl.
I hope someone lifts you up like the big guy who lifted me up.
Praise the Lord!
No. I'm talking about the big guy right here, Cleveland Brown.
Oh.
♪ Not long ago, I was lower than Lohan, no plan, a lost man ♪
♪ Raising my little girl in a Cadillac, bro-ham ♪
♪ My quest: success, but my life was a mess ♪
♪ Poor Kenny West, no zest, anti-depressed ♪
♪ Not dressed to impress, matter of fact more stressed ♪
♪ Than John Mayer waiting on his AIDS test ♪
♪ Then I met a man who taught me how to live large ♪
♪ Took me out of my car, now I'm in his garage ♪
♪ Turns out, all I needed was some inspiration ♪
♪ Like Mr. Miyagi but a lot less Asian ♪
♪ My game was timid, now my flow much bolder ♪
♪ Got a chubby brown angel on my shoulder saying ♪
♪ You know it don't matter what you do ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll always be there for you ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Grow a mustache ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Slap your wife's ass ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Never smoke grass ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Freely pass gas. ♪
Be-Cleve in yourself, Goochland!
Good night!
Our hearts go out to all
the good people of Goochland.
We hope you stay strong
during the ongoing rescue effort.
Barack Obama doesn't care about black people.
What the were you thinking?
I don't know.
The lights, the camera-- I got nervous!
Plus, Obama's accomplished so much!
You just destroyed Twitter.
It literally exploded from people's tweets.
Your song is going to be the number one downloaded song ever.
No doubt about it.
You put our music on the Internet, right?
You can put music on the Web TV?
♪ ♪
Man, look at that crowd.
What did I tell you, Kenny?
I knew we'd hit the big time.
Cleveland, you're fired.
What?! I'm sorry,
but the book I read said if you got bad news,
you should just come right out and say it.
No, you're supposed to first give them a fake compliment,
then the bad news.
Oh.
You've lost weight and you're fired.
Well, at least I've lost weight.
But why am I fired?!
Look, Cleveland, I'm sorry,
but I've learned that to make it as a rap star,
you have to make wildly irrational decisions
without even thinking about it.
Just look at Flavor Flav.
That's not a name.
And that's another thing.
Your rap knowledge begins and ends with Kurtis Blow.
Yeah, Kurtis Blow.
And what's up with all these stupid outfits?
I'm a rapper, not the mayor of Detroit.
Good-bye, Cleveland.
♪ And I am telling you ♪
♪ I'm not going... ♪
Sir, you can't stand here.
I'm going, I'm going.
Mmm, this bruschetta is amazing.
Yeah, $12 bread with some tomatoes on it.
Yeah, that's great.
Enough. Come on.
Let's go to ladies' room before our entrées arrive.
This sucks.
I know, but we're stuck.
We could just leave.
What? Just leave.
Can we do that?
Why not?
Do you know how many men wish they could just leave
while their girlfriends were in the bathroom?
One-hundred percent.
I'm out.
Attention, men!
If your ladies are in the bathroom and you wish,
for just once in your life,
you had the cajones to just get up and leave, follow me.
I'm going to play skee-ball at Cheesy Charlie's.
I'm going.
Me, too.
Yeah! Great idea!
Let's go!
Don't worry.
I'm not going anywhere.
Ooh, I gotta get this.
This could take forever.
Yello?
Donna, I'm home.
I realized that my place is here with you--
Hey, cool wok.
Kenny fired you, didn't he?
Yeah, but that's okay.
Where'd you get the wok?
Bed, Bath and Hospital?
Beyond.
Beg pardon?
Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Beyond what?
The hospital.
What you talking about a hospital?
Chopper!
Barry.
They kick you out of Washington already?
No, no, I'm still your ruler.
I was just on my way back from pulling a girl out of a well,
and I heard what you said about me.
I can't help but think that had a little something to do with
the fact that you never could beat me on the court.
What?!
You-- I-- that's not...
How about right now?
You and me, one on one.
You're on.
Whoops.
There we go.
If there's one thing politics has taught me,
it's to watch out for attacks from...
the right!
First basket wins!
I better call my Secretary of Education,
because you just got schooled.
I could also call my Secretary of the Treasury,
because that shot was money.
Also, I could...
Sir, we really have to...
I've got one more.
I could call my Secretary of Defense,
because I am the bomb.
Wheels up!
Take me with you!
You know what, Donna?
He may live in the White House,
but I'd rather live in the Brown house.
I'd rather live in the White House.
Yeah, me, too.
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==